I’m taking advantage of this rare quiet moment in my mom’s home. No one is here but Nana and I. I’m sitting at her bedside watching over her. Even though her life is nearing the end, she’s still here with us, still responding in subtle ways, and she still radiates. The Nana that I’ve been blessed to have for almost 26 years has always radiated with beauty and goodness. It’s a blessing to be here, a true privilege for me to hold her hand and stroke her face and care for a woman who in so many ways has cared for me.
Our time with Nana since we learned of her tumor has been precious time. She’s reminded us of the precious gift that life is and has blessed us by bringing us closer together as a family. We’ve all shared the duties of caring for her and loving her, but no one has been more selfless and loving than my mother, her sweet daughter. Although I didn’t think it possible, watching my mother love her own mother so unconditionally has made my already hero mother even more of an inspiration to me. Nana has always known how special her daughter, Kim, is. As a teenager she would write me letters encouraging me to uplift my mother and be a strength to her by doing my part and lightening her load. Sometimes she would even scold me for my typical teenage behavior and she would remind me constantly of how special my mother is. As I've grown older, a new light has been cast on my mother and I can clearly see the special woman that Nana was always trying so hard to make me see. As my mother has delicately cared for Nana, that light has only gotten brighter. It’s clear that the same light that has always graced Nana radiates from my mother as well and that makes this experience even sweeter. My life is truly blessed because I’ve been given the opportunity to unconditionally love my grandmother; the woman who gave the same perfect love to my mother, who in turn has taught me to love the same way.
I’m so grateful. So grateful for these women. Women of strength, dignity, kindness and love. Women who exemplify true beauty and honor. Women of true nobility. I’m grateful for a Nana who spent time with me as a child, who walked along the shores of San Diego collecting seashells with me. I’m grateful for a Nana who valued purity and goodness, who shared with me the beauties of the earth and knew the names of every flower. I’m grateful for a Nana who knew how to have fun, who could laugh and play and joke. I’m grateful for a Nana who loved me, even when there wasn’t much to love. I’ve always known how much she loves me, and I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful for a Nana who created and raised a beautiful daughter and taught her to love the way she does.
There isn’t any place I’d rather be right now than at this bedside. I keep tracing Nana’s face hoping to memorize it. It’s a face that graces so many of my memories, a face that has always provided me solace and safety, and I realize I haven’t yet said goodbye to anyone who has been a part of my life for as long as Nana has. I’ve been talking to her. I told her what a wonderful grandmother she is, and thanked her for being a wonderful mother. I know she can hear me. I’ll forever remember these sweet moments, and I’ll keep them close. It’s moments like these that remind me of how precious life is and what a gift it is to be close to the people that I so dearly love. How blessed I am to be a part of this family and to experience and feel the perfect love that we share for one another.
Kaitlyn Marie
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