That Vague Post About My Problems

I’m sorting through some interesting and honest feelings as of lately. The kind of feelings that one has to sort through alone (except when you have a blog and can you vaguely share all your problems and battles with the entire online world. Such an odd thing, this blogging is). But anyway, you know the kind of feelings I’m talking about, right? The ones that make you want to curl up into a ball, close your eyes and fall asleep not to wake until someone else has done all the sorting for you. Except that’s not the nature of this kind of thing. This kind of thing has to be dealt with head on, by me, and only me, because it’s my issue to begin with.

When do you decide that the time has come to put the truest desires of your own heart before any other want or need or relationship in your life? When are those desires so important, that the question of letting go of people and places and things that you truly love and have worked so hard to build is no longer a question of “if” but a question of “when”?

If my needs aren’t being met, the honest and true desires and needs of my heart, shouldn’t that be my deciding factor? Or do I hold out a little longer because maybe, just maybe, the beautiful things that my heart yearns for will impress upon someone and become their desires too?

How long do I wait? Do I wait? I’ve waited. And I’ve waited. And it’s no longer fair. Was it ever fair?

I stand by the principle that the kindest way to be is true. True to myself and true to those I love, but first to myself because if I am not, how can I possibly offer truth to another?

My heart aches because it yearns, and the future that I once thought to be my truth is quickly shifting and changing and I find myself being okay with that. And that hurts. It hurts my heart, but I do, oh I really truly do, love myself. I often forget how important it is to love me, but deep within my pained heart there lies a true and unconditional love… for myself. Because that is important and I am important and I can’t hurt this special person that I’ve worked so hard to mold, nurture and become. I can’t. And I won’t. But letting go hurts. It just hurts, and that’s that.