My Sea is Barren

I don't think I'm a picky dater but pickings are definitely slim in this town. I'm getting frustrated. These days, I'm digging hard to find the will to keep my gum in my mouth everytime I pass by a missionary haircut or a mountain man beard. After two of Logan's many undesirable men ran into my open palm after disagreeing with me (and hating on Barack), I've finally been readmitted back into the "Cache Valley party scene", although I missed nothing and I'd probably still slap those men again if need be.

In a town where the males outnumber the females by about 8 to 1, I'd hope my schedule would be booked full of exciting rendezvous and delicious dates. That, however, is not the case.

All I'm asking for is a beautiful man who is not as beautiful as I am but still taller than me when I wear heels. A smart man, again one who is not smarter than me, but smart enough to feed me great compliments and believe them. I need a man who knows I'm the boss but can put me in my place when I need it, especially while roughing me up and maybe pulling my hair. A man who pays for things, not everything, just most, and nothing too extravagant except on my birthday, Christmas, and weekends. The rest of the time I'm just a girl who likes to eat and Old Grist Mill has my favorite $5 lunch special. I'd like a man who knows how to have creative fun and one that can crack a good joke. A man who is active and burns a higher percentage of his daily calorie intake than I do, is admired. A rockin' body on a hottie always gets my blood flowing and my hips grinding. Dating me requires a man who can lift, pick me up, and throw me down upon command, so strong muscle is needed. Also, if you sunburn easily, do not apply. He must know good music, and if he can sing and/or play an instrument like the guitar or ukelele, I will look no further. I don't have time for picky eaters and if he eats and drinks less than me, we will have problems. But most importantly, I need a man with swagger. Yes, please don't forget that swagger.

I don't think my expectations are too high or that I'm asking too much. If I were a man, this would all seem too easy.

Of course, I'm just a salt water fish swimming aimlessly in the fresh waters of Logan, UT.

Ugh.